El Chupacabra

Male models can fly planes

This movie was cheap, cheesy, and looked like it was filmed in the 1980's. The hairstyles and clothing reminded me of Melrose Place and the quality of the film reminded me of Magnum PI. I thought this movie went even farther back, but when one of the characters used a cell phone Ebert's Thumb and Crap Bag pointed out that it was considerably smaller than the Zack Morris phone from Saved by the Bell. My theory is that the producers spent all their money on Antonio Sabato Jr. back in the day when he could command up to $200,000 per picture and then had to save up over the course of 18 years to put in the special effects.

Antonio Sabato Jr. plays the "most attractive military pilot ever" who crash lands his plane on a rural highway when lighting, drawn by his mangina, strikes the cockpit during a storm. In the process, he takes out a gas station and diner, 60 telephone poles, and stops mere inches away from a gasoline truck that is double-parked on a highway. During this, his hair retains its perfect shape and lustre.

While a board a inquiry examines why his hair stays so full bodied, he has to escort a billionaire's daughter during a flight to Australia for her birthday bash. Little do they know, a team of hijackers, who couldn't get their frequent flyer miles redeemed, have been secretly eliminating the flight crew before takeoff. I learned  flight attendants are a lot like lemmings when they drive off cliffs in 1982 Lincoln Continentals.

Once in flight, Antonio detects something amiss when the hijackers pull out Uzis. He heroically exchanges most of his ammo with a beverage cart. The hijackers refuse to shoot Antonio because of his good looks and instead shoot only when Antonio's not peeking out, piercing the plane's fuel tank. I was entertained by the sudden appearance of large amounts of crumpled newspaper blowing by when one of the plane's windows is shot out.

Antonio, with only six bullets left, brags that it is 1 more than he needs to kill the 5 hijackers. Um, Antonio, a little bit cocky don't you think, considering you just wasted 3 clips on a beverage cart. Nevertheless, he manages to shoot, strangle, and break the necks of the bad guys while showing off a really even tan. With fuel running out and the pilot shot, Antonio has to land the plane during a hurricane in a highly attractive and sexy manner. He also has to do this on a jungle runway with a huge boulder at the end. The boulder was computer generated and falls into the category of pointless computer animation. Could they not find an actual boulder somewhere on earth? Maybe then the movie would have been released a decade earlier.

In the grand finale, Antonio lands the plane and everyone jumps down the emergency slide to safety, but they forget the critically injured pilot. Antonio's hair has that effect on people. If anything, rent this movie to see how a hurricane, gunfire, judo kicks, and lighting have no effect on the hair of Antonio Sabato Jr.

El Chupacabra's Ratings
Entertainment: 72%	B-Movieness: 59%
Quality: 61%	Regret: 24%

Charles Bronson

THIS MOVIE CRASHED EVEN BEFORE IT CAME OUT

IF YOU LIKE A GREAT ACTION MOVIE, IF YOU LIKE GREAT ACTING, IF YOU LIKE A GREAT WRITTEN PLOT AND IF YOU LIKE A WELL BUDGET MOVIE, THEN YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS DIRTY SANCHEZ WORK OF ART.  I SWEAR TO YOU ALL, THIS MOVIE WAS MADE AT LEAST TEN YEARS AGO AND THEY HAD TO SCRAPE THEIR PENNIES FOR OVER A DECADE TO FINALLY GET OUT TO VIDEO.  I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.  BRAVO, BRAVO!  I CAN SEE EVERYBODY LINING UP TO RENT THIS.  THAT WAS SARCASTIC.

THIS MOVIE WAS MADE BY "A CRASH LANDING PRODUCTIONS".  THAT'S RIGHT, THE ONLY ONES THAT WOULD MAKE THIS DOG SHIT.  THE MOVIE WAS A REALLY BAD TYPICAL ACTION MOVIE WITH REALLY BAD FIGHT SCENES.  THE BEST WAS AT THE STARTING OF THE MOVIE WHEN ANTONIO SABATO JR. IS TEARING UP SOME HICK COUNTRY HE WAS NEAR INCHES OF CRASHING HIS PLANE INTO A GASOLINE TRUCK THAT WAS PARKED ON THE ROAD.  AS AGAIN I AM NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.  APPARENTLY IT'S OK TO PARK A GASOLINE TRUCK ACROSS THE WHOLE ROAD FOR YOUR OWN CONVENIENCE.   THE REST JUST GETS EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS. LETS JUST SAY THREE MILITARY MEN HAVE TO BUILD A HUNDRED YARDS OF RUNWAY IN A STORM AND NEED TO BLOW UP A TWENTY FOOT TALL BOLDER WITH SOME 1920'S DYNAMITE THEY HAD SO ANTONIO CAN LAND THE PLANE AT THE END. IMPOSSIBLE YOU SAY.  YOU DAMN RIGHT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, BUT A CRASH LANDING PRODUCTIONS THINK OTHERWISE.  IF YOU EVER MADE OUT WITH A FAT CHICK AND REGRETTED IT SECONDS AFTER, THAT'S HOW I FELT.

Charles Bronson's Ratings
Entertainment: 30%	B-Movieness: 80%
Quality: 60%	Regret: 80%

Crap Bag

If you fire enough bullets at a metal door eventually you'll realize it is doing nothing

For a B movie there is some what of a decent budget albeit it seems to have taken nearly a decade to make the movie as is indicated by the dated technology.  Main problem with this movie is that the things happening makes no sense.  The hijackers have every opportunity to take over the the plane quick and easy, but decide to make everything complicated.  They don't drug the passengers, they forget about the kids caperone in the back and when Antonio starts to fight back rather then corner him they decide to either bum rush him or unload 15 clips of bullets at a bathroom door.  Also the army can do anything including add 100 feet to a runway in the pouring rain with only 3 bulldozers, dig a trench along the runaway and fill it with gasoline and blow up a 20 foot boulder.  However they cannot tell when the batteries in a radio is dead, they don't like rain and they also forget to help mortally wounded people get out of a plane.

Crap Bag's Ratings
Entertainment: 85%	B-Movieness: 75%
Quality: 80%	Regret: 90%