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Snakes on a Train (2006)

Action, Drama, The Asylum

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User Rating

Average Reviewer Ratings

Entertainment: 70%B-Movieness: 97%
Quality: 10%Regret: 47%
Snakes on a Train

Quick Info

Running Time: 91 min.
Movie Rating: R

More Info at IMdB

Awards

What do these awards mean? Read the explanation of our awards system.

So Bad It Was Good100% B MovieUnintentionally FunnyBabylon 5Budget StretchWangGratuitous NudityA-Movie

Reviews

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Charles Bronson

Charles Bronson

JUST WATCH THE LAST FIVE MINUTES IN THE MOVIE.  THE REST OF IT MAKES NO SENSE AND IT GIVES YOU BRAIN DAMAGE BY HOW BAD IT IS.  BUT THE LAST FIVE MINUTES SURE MAKES UP FOR IT.  A LADY FULL OF SNAKES IN HER BODY TURNS INTO A F@*KING FOUR HUNDRED FOOT SNAKE AND STARTS EATING THE TRAIN.  ON THE FRONT OF THE COVER IT SHOWED THIS SNAKE EATING THE TRAIN BUT I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST PLAIN FOOLERY.  BOY WAS I WRONG.  ASYLUM ENTERTAINMENT, BETTER KNOWN FOR THE GREATEST B-MOVIES OF OUR TIME, (MOVIES SUCH AS KING OF THE LOST WORLD AND THE DAVINCI TREASURES) MADE ANOTHER MASTERPIECE IN THIS ONE.  THERE IS A BIT OF EVERY KIND OF STENCH IN THIS ONE WHICH MADE ME HURT MY JAW FROM LAUGHING SO MUCH.  BUT WITH ASYLUM ENTERTAINMENTS YOU EXPECT IT TO HAVE THIS KIND OF QUALITY (RETARDED QUALITY).  I THINK IT WAS JUST AS GOOD AS SNAKES ON A PLANE.
Charles Bronson's Ratings
Entertainment: 100%B-Movieness: 100%
Quality: 5%Regret: 0%

Eberts Thumb

Eberts Thumb

I seem to remember the previous 86 minutes of the movie more than Mr. Bronson, but its hard to tell because just watching Snakes on a Train gave me brain damage, or at least dropped me down a few IQ points.

At least we now know why Americans are so afraid of illegal immigrants from Mexico. Its because they are made of snakes. The movie starts out with a Mexican couple sneaking over the US border, with the woman obviously sick. Then she starts vomiting snakes. The man collects them in a set of jars, then blows smoke (marijuana) into the jars. Make sense yet? After a snake kills their driver, they make their way onto a train destined for Los Angeles. The woman keeps vomiting snakes, which get loose and start killing one dimensional characters on the train.

Whats stands out most for Snakes are the numerous horribly obvious continuity errors:

  • The man's stone age knife becomes a machete
  • One snake victim has snakes bury into his wrist, only to have them come back out in the middle. His arm quickly becomes a bloody mess thats covered in maggots (they just appear on open wounds apparently). In the next scene his arm is back to normal.
  • The snakes go for tiny green snakes to 15 foot boas in 5 minutes.
  • The woman starts tearing here face off, only to have it mostly normal before she turns into a 400 foot snake. (she was transforming into a snake, so this ones a bit forgivable).
  • The woman turns into a 400 foot snake in a split second.
  • The remaining passengers on the train, when chased to the last car, look down on a chasm. Then it cuts back to the snake eating the entire train, but theres no chasm. It cuts back to chasm view, then back to snake eating train view, minus any sort of chasm.

After the continuity errors, the next biggest problem with snakes is the audio engineering. Some times you couldn't hear anyone talk, then the person they are talking to is normal. Other times the dialog was quieter than the sounds effects.

The other problems with the movie were the story, acting, and special effects. Snakes on a Train is one of those movies that does everything so badly that its actually worth watching, mostly to laugh at how bad everything is.

Eberts Thumb's Ratings
Entertainment: 75%B-Movieness: 100%
Quality: 3%Regret: 75%

Crap Bag

Crap Bag

100 passengers vs 3000 deadly snakes

Before we get started with the review, the last five minutes of the movie deserves the slow clap." CLAP....CLAP....CLAP....CLAP...." Who ever thought of having snakes that start of this size of gummy worms which seem to grow big enough to devour a small child must be given a noble prize. If you have a strobe light that's all you need to simulate a train traveling through a dark desert.
Crap Bag's Ratings
Entertainment: 30%B-Movieness: 90%
Quality: 25%Regret: 100%

El Chupacabra

El Chupacabra

Just jump off the damn train!

Oh my god! I don't even know where to start.

Ok, how about this. They used stock footage of a train moving because they couldn't afford to film an actual train. And then they used stock footage again, but it was of a diferent train. And then they used a computer animated train at the end that not only looked bad, but didn't match either of the trains in the stock footage. And then they thought they could fool us by filming inside an old train coach with blinking lights outside the window to simulate streetlights going by. Streetlights along train tracks?

If you don't desperately want to see this movie by now, then you're not a true B movie lover. The plot of this movie was from another world, a world in which nothing is allowed to make sense. The basic idea is that a man and women from Mexico want to get to LA to meet a medicine man that can help stop the woman from vomitting snakes.  The man with her is also a medicine man, but only has three techniques: blowing smoke in her face, blowing dust in other peoples' faces, and knife fighting with his spatula.

The snakes were about the size of worms for almost 90% of the movie, there were at most 10 shown in any given scene so the other 2990 must have been in the back, and there were only about a dozen passengers. At times it felt like a really bad game of Clue with random people in random parts of the train holding spatulas, pistols, or pickle jars full of snakes. The train made no sense as going any which way could take you to the dining car, the engine room, or the coach. At the beginning there was a fat guy in a seat that we never see again. I assume he went to take a dump and a snake ate him. We were also treated to a guy in tighty whiteys sticking his bum out from under his bed covers. Let's just say that it wasn't a hot water bottle pressed between his thighs. Numerous side stories were introduced in an effort to distract us from the lack of snakes and to teach us that if we try and smuggle cocaine from Mexico, someone from Texas will fondle us.

Like all the other reviewers said, the snakes eventually grew 30 feet in 30 seconds and that's when the fun began. Unfortunately, no one thought of jumping off the train and with only a dozen people, it didn't take too long for the snakes to run out of victims, thus ending the fun. The spatula wielding medicine man runs into the egine room that clearly was not part of the actual train and had a pathetic looking box with switches and wires that apparently controlled the entire train. He smashes it and the train comes to a halt, but oh no, WHAT'S THAT!!?? In yet another incredible finale from The Asylum, the vomitting girl turns into a very poorly rendered 400 foot metallic snake and starts to eat the entire train starting with the engine room. Forget the tons of steel, high pressue steam, and temperatures, this mofo wants to eat a mutha @#%in' train. Everyone jumps out the back and someone holds up a medallion that opens a huge vortex in the sky which pulls in the 400 foot snake. "WHOA! Did not expect that!" You have to see it to believe it.

All in all, a boring, hilarious, and over-the-top movie.

El Chupacabra's Ratings
Entertainment: 76%B-Movieness: 99%
Quality: 8%Regret: 11%

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