Charles Bronson

THE JAP'S OUT DID THEMSELVES AGAIN. ANOTHER FANTASTIC HORRIBLE MOVIE. IT MAKES ANY PAULY SHORE MOVIE LOOK LIKE AN OSCAR WINNER. ONE OF THESE DAYS THEY WILL REALIZE A MOVIE NEEDS A PLOT AND ACTING. OH YA IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS MOVIE, IT'S A REALLY BAD IMITATION OF TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES WHILE DUBBED IN ENGLISH.

El Chupacabra

Kibakichi is a samurai werewolf. Cool, eh? That's why we got this one. What can be cooler than a samurai werewolf? Surely he could defeat both pirates and ninjas and even pirate ninjas? But alas, after the first scene in which our anti-hero dispatches some Japanese hitmen with his samurai sword (with some classic cheesy dismemberment blood fountain effects) the movie became confusing and just plain weird. Kibakichi is a Yokai, a Japanese mythological monster, and he and his kind have been persecuted and slaughtered by humans. He wanders into a town that seems to be the last remaining bastion of Yokai. When he crosses the bridge two monsters that did in fact closely resemble Ninja Turtles (lawsuit? Are they trademarked in Japan?) somersault out of the swamp and kibakichi is warned about something by another strange looking monster. A lot of weirdness ensues and this part of the movie dragged on. This was exacerbated by the poor dubbing. The voice actors and actresses surely did not do justice to the real actors and actresses. No one seemed to speak fluidly perhaps because of the disparity between the time it takes to say something in Japanese and English, but there were many times when the English ended and the mouthes kept moving. Frankly, the voices sounded bored, almost like they got the night staff at a truckstop and ushered them into a recording studio for a one take whirlwind. We also have to watch a lot of seemingly irrelevant Japanses gambling, and other apparent intrigue that was quite hard to follow. And does anyone in Japan every sit in a chair even for a little bit? No, always with the ground! There was a little kid with buglike yellow eyes who tripped on his own feet and fell down. I was reminded of MXC. Those crazy Japanese bastards.

After this long stretch of confusing and borderline nonsensical story, while making allowances for dubbing and a 'cultural thing', we get into some good stuff. Some evil feudal lords or what not have purchased some sweet american weaponry (did America always deal in arms?). Four leather clad individuals right out of the Japanese 'Matrix' lead a small army to ransack the Yokai town and kill its inhabitants. They got guns and they want to use them. They wail away on the Yokai with their gattling guns and unfortunately, the traditional Japanese houses made of paper makes for quite the massacre. For monsters, I was a little dissapointed to see them go down so easy. Even Kibakichi fights hand to hand as a normal human. The head Yokai is finally killed and that's when Kibakichi goes postal. He grows into a hilarious looking wolf-like monster. More accurately, the cameras stop filming and some stage hands help him into a riduclous looking wolf-like monster suit (like a Japanese yeti..Would he roam Mount Fiji?). No digital effects here folks, just a stuntman in a suit. This is the only time we get to see the true samurai werwolf except he doesn't have his sword so he lays down the hammer with the humans old school style until only one remains. The last human cracks open some boxes of grenades and starts throwing them at Kibakichi who is now somehow several miles away on the other side of town. He starts to run towards the human and crashes into and through just about every fruit stand, window, and wall between himself and the grenade thrower as explosions rip apart everything around him. We settled on a couple miles because this scene went on for several minutes. We figured Kibakichi would be a couple pounces away, but I guess that would be boring and they owed us for the previous doldrum. And let me tell you, that human has a heck of a throwing arm. Kibakichi finally reaches him with no fruit stand or window left unscathed, and decapitates him with one mighty blow. We are treated to an even bloodier geyser from the human's neck akin to O-Ren Ishii's beheading of Tanaka in Kill Bill V.1. The headless body drops to its knees while clutching a live grenade and although it looks like a mannequin in leather pants, we are still treated to a nice chunky torse explosion.

Conclusion: Get the subtitled version and watch the first ten minutes and the last twenty. Japanese people are weird.

Kibakichi's Final Word

This movie really great! Rent or buy it right now. Buy two in case one get scratched!