Charles Bronson

THIS MOVIE WAS DEFINITELY MISSING CHUCK NORRIS'S ROUNDHOUSE KICKS. BUT THEY TRIED TO FOOL PEOPLE BY HAVING SOME POOR ACCUSE OF A BAD ACTOR NAMED MIKE NORRIS AS THE MAIN GUY. NOTE TO ANYONE, IF YOU GET SENT ON A MISSION WITH HIM AS YOUR LEADER GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! HE WILL GET YOU KILLED LESS THAN TWO SECONDS IN THE MISSION. I DIDN'T KNOW STOPPING IN ENEMY FIRE, ORDERING SOMEONE TO WALK ON A MINE FIELD IN THE DARK, OR GIVING A CRAZY DELTA FORCE DUDE A LOADED WEAPON WAS THE BEST WAY TO COMPLETE YOUR MISSION. I WOULD HAVE TO RATE THIS A 7 OUT OF 10 FOR GOOD BAD B-MOVIE. PLENTY OF LAUGHING FROM MY PART FOR THIS STINKER EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T SUPPOSE TO BE A COMEDY.

El Chupacabra

This movie shouldn't have been called Delta Force and this patrol isn't lost, they're just retarded. A peace keeping team called the JBF or something (NOT Delta Force) are in some imaginary middle eastern country which I assumed was Turkey because it has some Turkish chick and John Rhys-Davies (oh, he's Welsh? Whatever). They are on a mission of peace signalled by the large white bicycle flags they have attached to their jeeps. Well, the local terrorists have other ideas and attack their forces. A squad is assembled to reconnoiter the area and one of the members is ex-Delta Force. Wow, justifcation for the movie's title. Sadly, they keep all their weapons locked up in cases and head out. Their squad comes under fire from a group of terorists on a cliff not 100 feet away from their three jeep convoy. Luckily, the terrorists all have astigmatisms and miss Captain Wellford's jeep with their 50 caliber machine gun and mortars. Unfortunately, the Captain has driven into a minefield and decides to stop the jeep and think about what to do whilst mortars rain down and destroy the third jeep behind them. Yes, it sucks to be under Captain Wellford's command. He orders their guide to get in a cage on the front of the jeep to spot mines (he's the oly Arab one in the group, racism?). While the peacekeepers juggle their nuts, mortars are raining down. Hell, the terrorists could have walked down the cliff and just dropped a grenade in the jeep during this long pause, or at least kept firing their machine gun. Maybe they gave up because every bullet they fired would hit the jeeps roll-cage, like a hocky player eternally hit the goal posts. Well, the captain decided that he better get the fuck out of there and promtlyl pulls out his six-shooter and orders the driver to gun the engine. He somehow manages to shoot all the mines (more than 6 even though he has a six-shooter and doesn't reload) with his gun causing them to explode and paving a safe path; this is with a pistol while driving off-road! Incrediblly unbelievable.

After this close call they find themselves driving into a canyon and guess what, terrorists jump out from every crack and crevice with RPG's and rocket launchers. They somehow fire three RPG's directly infront of the Captain's jeep blowing off the front (which despite this appears intact later on). The Captain has the brilliant idea of throwing his jeep in reverse and backing into the other remaining jeep behind them. Because of this, everyone in the second jeep can thank the Captain for being the dipshit that got them killed. But, that's the only success the terrorists have as rocket after rocket does not destory the Captain's invincible jeep. It might have been because the RPG's fired like nerf guns. Maybe you should get those guns out of the trunk now Captain?

Fast forward because the middle get's kind of boring, and we find an intricate plot involving the terrorists, state security forces, and a criminal mastermind played by John Rhys-Davies, who are all vying for control of a nuclear missile. I'm just guessing at this because I didn't really know what was going on. The stupid ass peacekeepers only find out about the missile because a little boy has stolen the plans for the nuclear device. The Captain (of inaction) decides that they must act. I'm surprised that any soldiers were still alive or voluntarily around to listen to him. Well, they find the terrorists hideout which is a cave and two of the team go in some fromt door that I assumed was unguarded and the other two rappel through a whole in the roof that is also unguarded. The soldiers would walk right behind a terrorist, kick another terrorist in the head, and then keep going, and the original terrorist would just stand there. The soldiers manage to deactivate the missile even though the cave didn't seem to have an opening for it to leave through anyways. The Captain kicks a few more people in the head and their guide gets riddled with bullets when he steps out in front of some Ak-47's. But after that, the terrorists aim reverted to bad and the soldiers basically walked 5 feet in front of them shooting and kicking and roundhousing with impunity. During the credits, they flashed pictures of the soldiers, their names, and short captions on what they did after being 'The Lost Patrol'. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be funny or elecit pity, but it made me feel weird like when I had to sit on Uncle Frank's lap when I was seven.

Kibakichi's Final Word

Please god, someone give this patrol a map.