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When jewel smuggling Nazis come to Spokane, Washington to have a pair of sarced diamonds cut, only one man can stop them. Chuck Norris. Well, maybe Segal could have. Or Van Damme. Not Lorenzo Lamas though, I don't think he would have been up for the job. Point is, only Chuck Norris was in Spokane at the time, so it was up to him.

Pretty much the only thing "The Cutter" had going for it was Chuck Norris, and a car chase between an 87 Ford Taurus and a beat up blue van. And like the beat up blue van, Chuck Norris has seen better days. They never explained why the diamonds from a famous yet undiscovered breastplate had to be cut, or why Chuck Norris' character knew Russian and was a biblical scholar. Instead "The Cutter" spent most of its time reminding us that: Chuck was a cop who now plays by his own rules, the Cutter spent time in Auschwitz, and that everything was taking place in Spokane. Maybe if the fight scenes were a bit better, I could have let the story problems go, but they weren't so I won't. And if you ever wondered what it would be like if a fight broke out on a city bus, it would also be disappointing.

El Chupacabra

Finally, a current movie featuring Chuck Norris. With all the hype created by Conan and with various internet sites hosting reams of made up facts about the man (the legend), you would expect there to be a flood of movies baring his name. After all, Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Col. Speerman, a Nazi war criminal, forced Jews to cut diamonds while they were prisoners at Auschwitz with the plan to use them to help fund Hitler's war effort. I'm not sure how that would work,  Umm, excuse me neutral Belgium, may we trade you some nice bracelets and a diamond ring for that tank over there. We'll throw in a Rolex if you let us blow up that bridge. The Colonel manages to escape retribution after the war and hides out in the far away land of Germany. What!? Wow, that Nuremberg council didn't try too hard. What's that? He lives just down the street from the Holocaust Memorial. Oh, irony of ironies.

In now present day, the Colonel hires an assassin to steal an Egyptian breastplate that contains two 500 carat diamonds. He then heads to Spokane to find a diamond cutter because everyone knows Spokane is the diamond capital of the world. Instead of using the Yellow Pages he kidnaps a Jewish man named Issac who was a prisoner under him at Auschwitz. It really sucks to survive a concentration camp and then have your Nazi ex-captor kidnap you 40 years later because you're the only diamond cutter he knows.

Enter Chuck Norris who plays an ex-cop who quit the force when he couldn' t prevent a serial killer from taking his next victim. Instead of starting a bagel stand, he becomes a private investigator who specializes in missing persons, the very thing that made him quit. This usually involves him shooting lots of people, kicking people in the head, and arriving too late to save anyone. Thankfully, he doesn't accept pay if he only recovers a body which might explain why he lives in Spokane and drives an old, beat-up van. The Spokane police don't seem to mind all this bloodshed.

Chuck must have played a lot of Trivial Pursuit: Rabbi Edition when he was younger because he picked up a good bit of Ancient Hebrew and knows all about the ancient artifact. He and Issac's daughter track down the Colonel and by track down I mean that Issac's daughter is also kidnapped by the Colonel and drops her cell phone while it is connected to Chuck's. Chuck hears trains so he runs across all of Spokane while holding the phone to his ear. Why he didn't call a cab or take a bus we'll never know. Chuck doesn't play that way.

There were some classic Chuck Norris moments. A lady is kidnapped in front of him and thrown in the back right seat of a Ford Taurus. In order to save the girl, he rams his van into the back right seat. He also has incredibly white teeth. He should do a commercial for Crest Whitening Strips, I'd love to see him roundhouse kick the Polident lady in the head.

Unfortunately, he is getting a bit old and much like Steven Seagal's movies, there is liberal use of fast motion in many of the action and fight scenes. Chuck Norris also sounded like he was reading cue cards the entire movie and he probably was. He is a very stiff actor to say the least, but I'm guessing no directors have the balls to tell him that. If you're reading this Chuck Norris, please don't kick me in the teeth.

Charles Bronson

YES, OH YES! CHUCK NORRIS IS BACK AND HE IS READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS. BUT FIRST HE NEEDS TO GET HIS ASS KICKED A COUPLE OF TIMES IN THE MOVIE BEOFRE HE LET'S THE TIGER OUT. SURE HE IS 104 YEARS OLD BUT I AM STILL AFRAID OF HIM. HE STILL HAS THE QUICKEST REFLEXES OUT THERE. NO WAIT, THAT WAS JUST THE MOVIE IN A FASTER SPEED DURING ALL THE FIGHT SCENES BECAUSE HE IS 104. HE DOES HAVE A COOL JOB IN THIS MOVIE, HE FINDS MISSING PEOPLE AFTER THE COPS CAN'T FIND THEM AND HE ONLY GETS PAID IF HE FINDS THEM ALIVE. NEEDLESS TO SAY THE BANK PUT A FORCLOSURE ON HIS HOUSE AND HE OWES PROBABLY 200 THOUSAND DOLLARS BECAUSE HE NEVER FINDS THEM ALIVE. I THINK HE DID FIND ONE PERSON ALIVE BACK IN THE EARLY NINETIES BUT HE WANTED TO KEEP HIS STREAK GOING SO HE ROUNDHOUSE KICKED THE EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY OFF A FORTY FLOOR APARTMENT BUILDING. THE MOVIE IS MOST RECOMMENDED TO WATCH JUST BECAUSE IT'S CHUCK FRIGGING NORRIS AND HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH, AND HE HAS NEVER DONE A COMEDY MOVIE EVER.