El Chupacabra

If Dan Brown, author of The Davinci Code, had a brother and his brother was mildly retarded, like Corky from Life Goes On, and he wrote a book and the book was called The Davinci Treasure and then the book was turned into a movie of the same name with a cast including such heavyweights as Lance Henricksen, well, then you would have this horrific melding of The Davinci Code and National Treasure. It was released just a week after The Davinci Code and I'm guessing this was to go for the trick factor. It's made by Asylum Entertainment which has other notable titles on deck including King of the Lost World, a King Kong rip-off, Pirates of Treasure Island, looking to capitalize on the release of Pirates of the Caribbean 2, and 666: The Child which is an embarrassing knockoff of The Omen. These guys seem like pros when it comes to DTV blockbuster copycats. Fight the power guys! Well, if you have ever wondered what a knockoff of The Davinci Code directed by Corky from Life Goes On would be like, then grab this title from your local Blockbuster. Sadly, 4 of 6 copies were actually checked out when we got there.

It's abominable, boring, and hilarious all rolled into one with a chewy fudge center. It's blatantly imitates the DaVinci Code right down to the back box-cover description which advertises that a secret will be uncovered that rocks Christianity to its very foundations. It also throws in some Indiana Jones booby trap scenes. I don't remember that pussy Robert Langdon having to dodge arrows or boulders in the Davinci Code so I'll have to give some credit.

We talked too much during this one so the exact plot was somewhat lost on me. It tried to be clever while having an air of academic respectability which perhaps explains why every character had to have their height, weight, and university degree displayed during the opening credits. Unfortunately, it made too little sense and the non sequiturs abounded.

The main characters, Michael (i.e., Tom Hanks' shoe shiner) and Guilia, are apparently on a quest to destroy as many valuable religious artifacts as possible. They are also on the trail of a secret treasure and the always clever Leonardo Davinci has left clues to its whereabouts in his works of art.

Lance Henriksen plays the villain who is also looking for the treasure and drives a nice car with hired goons, one of whom is an anthropologist; I guess she should have got more than a BA. Michael manages to steal some rare Davinci papers, shoves them in his coat pocket, and Lance promptly steals them. He then manages to steal the Shroud of Turin which, if we accept the movie's portrayal, is kept in a damp church basement in California (it was supposed to be Italy, but we all knew). He shoves the shroud into his backpack which Lance also promptly steals.

Michael gets a break when he needs the ‘famed' Davinci 3D glasses. Of course, Lance has beaten him to them, but luckily his car door is unlocked and the glasses are sitting on the seat. Looking at photocopies of the shroud using the glasses takes the wearer on a magic carpet ride which makes me suspect Davinci may have also liked house music. Somehow Michael comes up with the Californian desert (i.e., Afghanistan, but we all knew) as the location of the treasure. But, before they go to Afghanistan, they have to deface Davinci's fresco of The Last Supper to get a brick that has the latitude and longitude of the exact treasure location. Call me a skeptic, but I don't think GPS was around in the 15^th century.

In California, err... Afghanistan they find a temple and make their way through a series of deadly booby traps. The traps had lain rotting for hundreds of years, but still managed to fire arrows through solid rock, yet the temples keys holes were loose and carved all crooked. Trap guy: promotion, locksmith guy: pink slip. They reach the final chamber and lo and behold, the secret that will rock Christianity to its knees... Are you ready? Are you sure? They find an ass load of treasure. Wow, that was unexpectedly appropriate given the title. It's not over yet because hot on their heels in none other than Lance Henriksen and his anthropologist hit-woman. Michael throws a gold plate at a booby trap trigger and the cavern collapses a little bit, yeah, not all the way, just a few blocks. But some oil has also caught fire and is leading to a 15^th century nuclear warhead. Michael, always the quick thinker, huddles in the corner and pulls the Shroud of Turin over his and Guilia's body. Meanwhile Lance is standing in the middle with his fingers in his ears. Such a large explosion follows that the cavern is entirely excavated. Michael and Guilia finds themselves outside in the sun in a giant smoldering crater with the Shroud wrapped around them and nary a scratch on them. Apparently, the Shroud of Turin is more durable than Captain America's shield; it is completely fire proof and indestructible.

So, do you want to know the real secret of The Davinci Treasure: Jesus was a member of the X-Men.

Crap Bag

According to this movie if there is ever a nuclear war the only things that will survive are the cockroaches and artifacts of divine conception that can be found hidden in some church basement. Also archeologists make terrible burglars/fighters.

Eberts Thumb

The makers of the DaVinci Treasure prove that you can make money by being able to sell 3 copies of a movie to Blockbuster. And Blockbuster knows that they can make money tricking the 1% of the population who think movies come out in theatres and DVD at the same time.

So what does the world's biggest ripoff movie look like: the parts of California that don't require a permit, and clips from the video tape in The Ring every thirty seconds, if that video tape was made from Davinci's works of art and pages from the Bible. If that doesn't give you seisures, you'll be doubled over laughing at how bad the story is.

And somehow they got Lance Henriksen to star in this. I think I know how got signed on:

Agent: Hey Lance, what to make some money for two weeks of shooting in a movie nobody will ever see?

Lance: Sure.

I can't imagine he read the script before signing on.

If you have 90 minutes to blow and ever wondered how badly you can rip off another movie without being sued, you can rent this. Or don't.

Charles Bronson

RENT RENT RENT!  THIS WAS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE MOVIES THIS YEAR.  I LAUGHED, AND CRIED AND THEN I PEE'D MY PANTS LAUGHING SOME MORE.  EASY A 10 OUT OF 10 FOR CRAPPIEST LOW BUDGET MOVIE WHICH WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH BECAUSE IT'S SO DARN BAD.  BUT IT DID MAKE ME LOOK ON E-BAY FOR THE SHROUD.  I WANT TO WALK THROUGH THE HELLS AND BACK WITH THAT AND NOT FEEL ANYTHING.  IF YOU WATCH THIS CLOWN OPERATION MOVIE THEN YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

Kibakichi's Final Word

Grrr... The ending was a classic!