Eberts Thumb

I've only seen 18 minutes of this crap. The only thing that got me past minute 8 was the blond.

I think the bartender and doctor are gay for each other.

Whee! 

Charles Bronson

WOW, BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL. WHO NEEDS A WELL BUDGET MOVIE WITH WELL KNOWN ACTORS WITH A SUPERB SCRIPT THAT LAST OVER TWO HOURS LONG IN THE MOVIE THEATRES, WHEN YOU CAN GET THIS STRAIGHT TO VIDEO BADLY CHEAP IMITATION WITH LANCE HENRIKSEN THAT ONLY LASTS FOR 82 MINUTES. THE SAME PEOPLE THAT BROUGHT US "THE DAVINCI TREASURES" (PEE'D MY PANTS LAUGHING IT WAS SO BAD.) NOW BRINGS US THIS FANTASTIC FORGE. BUT THEY MADE SURE IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT FROM THE ORIGINAL. IF THE REAL POOR ACTING DIDN'T DO IT OR THE REAL POOR SETTING THAT LOOKED LIKE A FOREST IN SOMEONE BACKYARD DIDN'T DO IT OR THE FAKE SOUNDS THEY HAD TO ADD WHEN PRETENDING TO SHOOT THEIR WEAPONS IN THE MOVIE DIDN'T DO IT, IT MUST OF BEEN ADDING GIGANTIC FRIGGING SPIDERS AND FLYING INSECTS ON THE ISLAND. NOW ONLY IF THE WRITERS FOR THE ORIGINAL MOVIE THOUGHT OF THAT THEN THEY WOULD OF HAD THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. I AM SO GLAD THESE GENIUSES THOUGHT OF IT. IT MADE THE MOVIE MORE REALISTIC. ALSO I LOVED HOW THEY ADDED POINTLESS CHARACTERS IN THE MOVIE THAT HAD NO BARING TO THE STORY. EVEN SKELETOR HAD A TEN SECOND PART LATE IN THIS MOVIE. ONE OF MY FAVORITE PARTS IN THIS MOVIE WAS AT THE END WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO LEAVE THE ISLAND ON THEIR SHIP. ONE OF THE FLYING INSECTS WERE CHASING THEM. THEY WERE SHOOTING UNLIT CANON BALLS AT IT, AND ON THE SECOND SHOT IT HIT THE INSECT AND THE INSECT BLEW UP IN FLAMES. I GUESS IT WAS POOR TIMING FOR THE INSECT TO TAKE A GASOLINE BATH FIVE MINUTES PRIOR TO THE CHASE AND IT MUST OF BEEN EVEN REALLY POOR TIMING FOR THE INSECT TO LIGHT A SMOKE UP WHEN THEN UNLIT CANON BALL HIT HIM AT THAT EXACT MOMENT. THOSE THINGS HAPPEN I GUESS. I GIVE THIS A 10 OUT OF 10 FOR AWESOME B-MOVIE TO LAUGH AT.

El Chupacabra

Pirates, Giant Bugs, and Lance Henriksen

You think you couldn't go wrong with that unholy trinity: pirates, giant carnivourous bugs, and Lance Henriksen. Unfortunately they do go wrong and go so wrong that it's right! But not too right.

This is meant to be a rip-off of Pirates of the Carribean and succeeds in none of the same areas. It does excel in the area of strange non-sequitors, very bad special effects, and "Lance Henriksen". Lance and his band of mutinous scally-wags kill their captain on an island that is home to a legendary treasure. The island looks remarkably like a forest in Washington state.  Before they can get the gold, they are chased off the island by a giant 40 foot beetle. Lance is chased onto the beach and cornered by the gigantic beetle, and just when I expected that scene from Aliens in the ship's hangar, the movie cuts away. Somehow Lance survives, but less some pirate booty.

From there it's mostly cliché pirate stuff except some weird guy in the bar who wears plastic glasses. Plastic and pirates, how's that for historical accuracy? An Orlando Bloom doppelganger is looking for the same treasure and ends up hiring Lance and his questionable crew. Toss in Orlando's girlfriend, a bugdet knockoff of Kiera Knightley, for good measure. They sail to the forbidden island, are menaced by some small bugs, and Lance, "Orlando", and "Kiera" end up in a temple. I really, really don't want to ruin the movie, but Lance gets shot... By three people at once.  Then some random guys jumps out from bheind a large stone block and I believe he is shot as well. And then the 40 foot beetle appears. "Orlando" and "Kiera" make it back to the ship and manage to hit the beetle with a tiny canon. This is a watershed moment for me and The Asylum, who make these B movie knockoffs, marking the first time I have experienced their over-the-top endings. In this particular installment, the beetle explodes in a huge fireball several thousand feet in the air. 

So to sum it all up, this movie is very random, but is broken up by enough odd moments to be entertaining.

El Chupacabra's Ratings
Entertainment: 64%	B-Movieness: 92%
Quality: 28%	Regret: 45%