El Chupacabra

Secret US military experiement creates man who never needs to take a crap

I have to say that this was one of the worst movies we have encountered in a while... And look at the movies we watch!

The main issue I had with this movie was how a group of friends managed to break into a secret military research facility, fail to find a way out over the course of 8 hours, and end up getting killed by a man in a coma.

The movie begins at the scene of an accident where a downed tree has forced an SUV full of people heading out for a weekend camping trip to skid off the road and roll over. Luckily everyone is completely unscathed, but all their cellphones, camping equipment, and common sense are destroyed in the crash. Rather than flagging down a passing car, one of the gang decides that cutting through the forest would be quicker. Then, BOOM! Secret military research outpost. It's like stumbling on the Smurf Village or some Gummi Bears. I'm surprised Big Foot didn't walk on screen. This secret base is protected by highly secure chain link fence that one of the campers peels back. Their plan is to find a phone and call for help, but when the front door is locked they decide to lower themselves down a deep dark hole. Has anything until this point struck you as something you would do in the same situation?

The group becomes trapped inside a supposedly massive subterranean complex. They stumble upon two dead scientists and a naked, comatose man sitting in a chair and hooked up to a feeding tube and shock collar. It's a pretty strange setup for a man in a coma and I'm guessing he was fed mostly constipating foods such as cheese because there's no toilet nearby and no one's left alive to change his diaper.

Tara Reid, always the slut... I mean sleuth, trades in time looking for a way out to go through 200 hours of video journals on VHS! She discovers that the man in the coma is a psychopath that murdered his family and was condemned to death, but his execution was faked and he was brought to the complex for experimentation which incidentally involved putting him in a coma and shocking him from time to time to piss him off. Unfortunately, he figures out a way to possess people when they're sleeping. Make sure you watch closely when they flash back to his childhood... Weirdest mother-son moment ever, but is having your tongue brushed reason enough to kill your entire family? I'll let you decide. The guy eventuallly awakens from his coma and turns into Tony Jaa. In his showdown with the lone surivor, Tara Reid, he loses his Shaolin powers and dies from a 10 foot fall.

The only positive parts of this movie were the very occasional moments when the location and the lighting conspired to create a decent atmosphere. Unfortunately, most of the time the set came off like a murky hockey arena. Tara Reid, the newest member to the B-lister club, was like a female Billy Baldwin, but still managed to make everyone else look like even fatter Danny Baldwins. The story made zero sense and we were basically subjected to 90 minutes of a group of idiots doing their most half-assed attempt at escaping.

El Chupacabra's Ratings
Entertainment: 15%	B-Movieness: 82%
Quality: 12%	Regret: 85%

Eberts Thumb

Put me in a coma

Do not rent Incubus. This movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities. Theres no real gore to speak of since everything is so dark. It isn't scary in the slightest, and you actually hope for the characters to die since they have it coming. To top it off there isn't any nudity to make you forget that theres no real gore or suspense.

The "story" is this: 6 college kids flip their SUV in backwoods Montana. Miraculously no one has so much as a scratch. One of the kids pulls out a map and decides the best way back to civilization is to trek through the wilderness, otherwise they'll all freeze in the night. In the middle of nowhere they find a research complex where 3 scientists were keeping a psychic in a coma, reading his brainwaves off of a chart and were getting stock tips or sports scores before they happened (this part wasn't explained to well). When the last living scientist kills Tara Reid's boyfriend with a screwdriver, she decides to find out what was going on by fast forwarding through video journals. The others try to figure out how to escape, but when they go to get Tara, she just talks about the guy in a coma, and the others forget about trying to escape. Everything after this is so mind numbingly dumb for words.

A handy tip for everyone reading this: if your car flips over several times and you are stranded in the middle of nowhere, either stay with the car or walk back the way you came, not through the woods. Another WTF was that these kids are taking a trip to the mountains to go climbing, but didn't bring a tent, jackets, boots, food, water, or anything else you'd associate with camping or just generally being outdoors. We know they were going climbing since they broke out the rope and harnesses to descend into the research complex instead of finding the front door.

To drive home how bad this movie was, the best acting was from Tara Reid. Either everyone else decided to phone it in, or they were picked so as not to upstage the only recognizable name in the movie. Whatever the case, Incubus couldn't have been over fast enough.

Eberts Thumb's Ratings
Entertainment: 0%	B-Movieness: 100%
Quality: 23%	Regret: 100%

Charles Bronson

I WILL GIVE ANYBODY FIVE BUCKS WHO DOESN

THIS MOVIE WAS BOOOORRRRRRRRINNG! THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS MOVIE WAS NOT TO FALL ASLEEP OR THE BIG BAD INCUBUS WILL SOMEHOW GET IN YOUR DREAMS AND MAKE YOU START KILLING PEOPLE. BUT I WANTED TO FALL ASLEEP AND END MY MISERY FROM WATCHING THIS CRAP-HOLE. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT FOR EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THIS MOVIE, HERE IS THE SYNOPSIS: A BUNCH OF IDIOTS CRASH THEIR VEHICLE HARDCORE BUT NONE HAS A SCRATCH ON THEM. THEY THEN DECIDE TO WALK TO THIER DESTINATION (PROBABLY ARBY'S) BY STAYING ON THE ROAD. SOMEHOW, AFTER LESS THEN FIVE SECONDS WALKING, THE ROAD TURNS TO DIRT (DOESN'T MAKE SENSE). ONE BRIGHT MORON (THAT'S AN OXYMORON) SAYS WE SHOULD CUT INTO THE FOREST TO MAKE UP TIME. REALIZING THEY WON'T GET TO ENJOY THOSE FAMOUS ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES WITH HOT PROCESSED CHEESE ON THEM THEY DECIDE TO CRASH IN THIS SECRET LAB THAT THEY STUMBLED ON IN THE FOREST. THE CLOWN GANG OPERATION COULD NOT OPEN THE FRONT DOOR SO THEY DECIDE TO DESCEND FROM THE ROOF DOWNWARDS IN THE LAB. THE FIFTH IDIOT GOING DOWN ENDS UP RIPPING THE ROPE AND CRASHING TO THE GROUND BUT STILL NO INJURY. NOT KNOWING THE SIXTH AND FINAL MEMBER OF THE IDIOT PACK CAN NOT GIVE UP THE ADVENTURE TO STUFF FOUR DELICIOUS ARBY SANDWICHES FOR FIVE BUCKS DOWN HER THROAT HAS LEFT THEM, THE OTHER FIVE HAVE TO ENJOY THEIR TIME IN THIS PATHETIC PLACE BY THEMSELVES. SO THEY FIND SOME DEAD BODIES, THEN THEY FIND THE LEAD SINGER FROM R.E.M. ALL TUBED UP AND THE REST OF THE MOVIE IS THEY FALL ASLEEP AND ONE BY ONE SOMEONE DIES ALL BECAUSE THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OPEN UP A GOD DAMN DOOR TO GET OUT. KNOW WHAT WAS MORE DISTURBING THAN THAT WAS, IT HAD TARA REID AS THE "STAR" OF THIS MOVIE. MAN, I WOULD HAVE HAD MORE RESPECT FOR HER IF SHE DID PORN THAN TO GO TO THE DARK SIDE AND START ACTING IN HORRIBLE B-MOVIES. SHAME ON YOU TARA REID, SHAME ON YOU.

Charles Bronson's Ratings
Entertainment: 15%	B-Movieness: 90%
Quality: 50%	Regret: 90%

Crap Bag

Don't fall asleep or you'll lose your tongue

Here’s the perfect recipe for the perfect camping trip.  You should only bring a rope and very little survival gear.  Make sure that you buy batteries from the dollar store so that your batteries will die quickly. Dress like you just finished filming a gap commercial.  Once you flip your car and everyone gets out unscathed, proceed down the main road until you find a dirt road that veers off into the forest.  Keep walking until you run into an abandoned prison facility that is locked from the inside and out.  Break into the building through the roof so that you can’t get out if your friend abandons you and the rope breaks.  Proceed to explore the prison and watch your friends either get murdered or go on a sleep walking rampage courtesy of the Professor X trapped inside the plexi-glass jail cell.  Once the majority of your friends are dead wake the prisoner up and then kill him after he falls off a 6 foot high rope.  Get rescued by the police and taken in for questioning for the multiple homicides that took place.  Weekend camping complete.

Crap Bag's Ratings
Entertainment: 15%	B-Movieness: 50%
Quality: 45%	Regret: 95%

El Chupacabra

Tara Reid is bad

Too much partying, not enough understudying makes Tara a dull boy.