Crap Bag

Screenplay By Steven Seagal

Is it just me or is Steven Seagal or has the quality of the Steven Seagal movies gone down not only in story but in general editing quality?  First off something went wrong with the audio so some scenes had to be re-dubbed.  NOt that big a deal except when the words don't match what the actors were orginally saying or if the actor himself does not want to redub his own lines...(Steven Seagal)  Second a drug that's supposed to make soliders into ruthless, aggressive killing machines when they are prevoked was conviently changed to also make them into cat eyed super soldiers.  Third Steven Seagal is supposed to be commanding an elite US attack force but on four separate occasions four different teams get wipped out.  Fourth Steven Seagl is stronger than any of these drugged enchanced clubbers otherwise he would have to get hit in the movie.  Fifth the moral of the movie is that you should use violence to slove your problems.  Steven Seagal is being tailed?  Get out and beat up the guys following you.  The bad Guys have already released the drugg into the city water supply? Blow up the computer.Your boss is a dick?  Send him in with the fist attack wave with no weapons.  Sixth the bad guys technically still won as the drug was already released into the water supply and Steven Seagal didn't really seemed interested about doing anything about besides having his team kill off any civilians the run into with cat eyes.

El Chupacabra

Steven Seagal sets all time laziness record

Seagal turns out another DTV gem as he tours the B-movie circuit and in so doing sets the laziness record for not even bothering to deliver half of his lines. For some reason, half his lines in Attack Force are dubbed over by someone who sounds like Columbo with a sore throat. And that's what made this movie so enjoyable! You will not believe your ears as the movie constantly and abruptly switches between Seagal and Columbo (and even some other random guy). I'd be ashamed to release a movie with such a glaring flaw, but if George Lucas can get away with it (watch the storm trooper in the back) then I suppose we can cut Attack Force some slack. I'm guessing some of the audio tracks were damaged or of poor quality and Seagal didn't want to come in to the studio to re-record his lines. Seagal only does things once. If you screw up, that's just too damn bad! And just know you know, Seagal doesn't make mistakes.

God knows why, but the United States has set up a secret biochemical research facility in France; we all knew it was really filmed in Eastern Europe. Seagal and his crack team of special forces soldiers are there on leave and looking to kick back and catch the clap (I guess that's where this movie got its incredibly unimaginative name). Instead, the soldiers minus Seagal head home with a knife-wielding, mutant, super-human prostitute that mistakes any arousal, even sexual, as a signal to kill everbody in the room. As you can guess she's not a cocktail party favourite. Seagal's highly trained atack force puts up the lamest fight for their lives ever and the "ninjostitute" gets the last pesky one by punching through a wall, putting her arm around his neck, and pulling him right through (cliche). It helped that the wall was only 1 inch thick drywall, but I'm sure with her super strength she'd be able to handle some wood panneling too. And so the Attack Force becomes the Dead Force leaving only Seagal to solve the brutal crime.

The prositute is in fact a member of an organized crime syndicate that is trying to release the U.S. Army's super secret super soldier serum into the town's water supply. The serum turns you into an uncontrollable killing machine with cat-like eyes and super human strength. Hello... Segal's been that since 1993! What town faces this menace you ask? Good question. It's introduced near the end and as far as I could tell it has a cathedral, four houses, and a gas station that's closed on weekends. In Hollyowood movies, metropolitan hubs and millions of lives are usually at stake and then you have this movie where the bad guys choose a backwater town with a population of less than 15 in which to hatch their devious plot.

There's the mid-movie standoff between Seagal and the ho/judo expert and let me tell you, if we believe this movie's portrayal of Segal then he's more powerful than Rayden, Jesus, and a nuclear bomb rolled into one. He kicks her right through an apartment building's support column which is a bit much for Seagal despite his 7th-dan in Aikido, but its nice to see him moving faster than a sloth again. Peace and harmony can kiss my ass... Snap some necks big guy!

Attack force was also obsessed with knives and especially knives that eject from shirt cuffs and sleeves. The army gives Seagal a special knife that will apparently increase his reaction times to ungodly levels. They must have noticed he's getting old and bloated and could use the help. I didn't really understand how the knife was supposed to help Seagal's reaction time and I think they were just telling him that. Then they'd go into the back room and starting giggling and high-fiving each other about how much he was about to get his ass kicked when he realized the knife wasn't even sharp.

Seagal and the army reach the town and cathedral... NOO! They were too late! Some old lady, a goth couple, and a basement full of creepy staring young guys are already infected. How can we tell? Their eyes grow an extra white eyelid that closes from side to side when they blink. Instead of guarding them sensibly, the soldiers turn their backs at all the wrong moments, but since they have guns and the townspeople don't the infection is taken care of by the end of the scene. That leaves Seagal free to kick some prostitute/crime syndicate/mutant ass which he does thanks to his "magical" blade (boots of escaping?).

If this sweet plot doesn't have you begging your mom for $5 and her video store card, then I congratulate your incredible self-control. For those of you who are yelling for your mom right now, you will have fun with this movie. From the appalling and embarassing dubbing to the weird plot and scenes of Seagal actually breaking a sweat, this one might be worth your time. And here's the kicker, Crap Bag was right, Steven Seagal did in fact write the movie! Mmmm... Sublime!

Charles Bronson

SEAGAL HAS AT LEAST THREE DIFFERENT ACCENTS