Crap Bag

Wait, did you leave sub door open?

This movie marks Lorenzo Lamas’ return to the sea as well as, I believe, his first movie with Asylum Films. 30,000 leagues is adapted from Jules Verne’s book 20,000 leagues under the sea. So the movie starts out a nuclear sub, The Scotia, sinking to the bottom of the Marianas trench. The next scene starts with an invention of Lorenzo's that converts water into air and traps that air inside of an air bubble. Lamas is assigned to rescue the Scotia but his ex wife is put in charge of the mission. Basically there is conflict some shit happens they run into Captain Nemo who plans to resurrect Atlantis in the Pacific Ocean using the water air conversion equipment. People die without explanation Nemo’s sub is destroyed and the Scotia is rescued via Lamas being smarter then the entire crew of the Scotia. Lamas renews his relationship with his ex-wife who had somehow stolen all of Nemo’s plans. I think the best feature of this movie is the audio commentary where the directory and some of the cast points out all the flaws in the movie and lack of production ability to produce what would be required. For example there is a gun fight and the one person that is seen shot on screen dies right after. However in the next scene Lamas is sporting a heavily bandaged arm and multiple head wounds. Also take into account one of the crew members joins Nemo’s side but then a couple of scenes later he’s back on Lamas’ side. Not to mention the stock under water footage of sea life that should exist based on how deep the sub is supposed to be diving. Also the one scene of the mini sub docking to the Scotia that is reused 4 times. Apparently you also don’t require any special diving equipment or gear to swim 30 000 leagues under the sea or to even talk underwater with a breathing apparatus in your mouth. All this is explained away by the director due to a lack of a script supervisor or that the scene will be in the deleted scenes. Although any of you that is bold enough to buy or rent the movie will see that there aren’t any deleted scenes in the special features. I guess that is being saved for the limited edition 4 hour, 3 disc box set.

Crap Bag's Ratings
Entertainment: 76%	B-Movieness: 95%
Quality: 50%	Regret: 42%

El Chupacabra

Jacques Cousteau would beat his face in with a hammer after seeing this!

I know what you're thinking, didn't they already make this movie? No my friend, they did not. That was 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. This is an entire 10,000 leagues deeper because that's how Asylum Entertainment rolls. 

30 000 leagues = 166,680 kilometers. A quick check of Wikipedia reveals that the Earth's equatorial radius, or semi-major axis, is the distance from its center to the equator and equals 6,378.135 km. So I guess Lorenzo somehow took his submarine straight through the core and 160,000 km into space on the other side of the earth? Heck, it's only 384,400 kilometers to the moon, why not tack on another 30,000 leagues and make this a movie about Martians?

Jules Verne is waiting in Heaven to kick the producers of this movie in the balls, but that's why it was such an entertaining B-movie! Who's Jules Verne anyways. Sure he's an author of several sci-fi classics, but last time I checked he was dead, which leaves Asylum and Lorenzo free to put their own spin on the classic submarine tale.

The result is very different than the movie of almost the same name and over 400% more attractive thanks to the use of  everyone's favorite male model and Soap Opera actor Lorenzo Lamas. What made 30,000 Leagues especially a riot to watch, along with semi-intelligent friends, was the appalling attention to science paid by the movie makers. I prefer not revealing the gross oversights, but suffice it to say that they generally involve water and its inability to pass through wide open doors or cause Lorenzo's hair to become wet.

I was surprised to see Lorenzo on the bill, but his first movie with Asylum Entertainment ended up being quite enjoyable as B-movies go. I would definitely rate it near the top of the current crop of Asylum films. I also recommend you listen to the director's commentary especially during some of the questionable scenes.

El Chupacabra's Ratings
Entertainment: 81%	B-Movieness: 99%
Quality: 45%	Regret: 30%