Crap Bag

There can be onoly one Jew that knows everyone else pretending to not be Jewish

This movie had quite the interesting plot in regards to the reason behind the Spanish Inquisition and what Jews needed to do in order to survive persecution.  Not to mention how to kill the Jews who are trying to rat you out quite brutally.  The one downfall of this movie could be summed up in two words.  Christopher Lambert who seems to be unable to string together more than two lines with someone else, which forces the director to make multiple scenes during a conversation that didn’t really require multiple camera changes but was done anyways to cover up the errors.  Also couple in the fact that as a ladies man the woman Christopher Lambert is married to he shows no emotion to or even touches except when he accidentally kills her and the woman who has the hots for him, he pushes her away, stares at her while she is naked and the appears to be repulsed and later angrily chases her around a castle for ten minutes.  It also seems that Christopher Lambert’s swordsman and fighting skills have dropped off since the days of the Highlander as with every fight in the movie just when it looks like he is winning some guy comes from behind and hits him with a book and the fight is pretty much over from that point.

El Chupacabra

Christopher Lambert. Worst Jew ever. Oi vey!

This movie almost had a hope of being an enjoyable experience... And then Christopher Lambert opened his mouth.

He's in the class of Seagal and The Candyman with his low, scratchy, almost unintelligble voice. It's like listening to someone runs their nails down a mile long chalkboard.

This movie actually took a hearty stab at a plot that was interesting and made some sense. The movie was set in Spain during the inquisition during which time Jews are being persecuted and chased out of the country. The plot revolves around common medieval themes; corrupt officials, a dangerous secret, bribery and deceit, a fiery pulpit, and public hangings. Even better than the plot was the location and costumes. I"m not a historian and I'm not pretending to know the difference between a baldric and a tunic, but the period clothing in this movie was at least as good as Kevin Costner's Robin Hood. The location, although limited to a small town with only a few buildings, was believable. In general, this movie seemed to have a budget, at least for some things. There was also some decent acting by some of the supporting cast!

Maybe it was the person who delivered it, but the plot was still lacking despite the fact it dealt with some heady issues involving Spain's treatment of Jews in earlier centuries. It was some of the most interesting social commentary that I have seen in a low budget film, but Christopher Lambert just couldn't carry his role even when compared to some of the supporting cast who in fact did an admirable job. A Spanish Schindler's List just wasn't in the cards. The basic gist was that Jewish people had to change their names from Schulmann Elias Schatzberg to Alberto Domingo Eduardo Vasco so they could stay in Spain, otherwise they were deported en masse. Wow, Spanish people are assholes (but not really if it gets Christopher Lambert to leave).

Whenever Christoper Lambert entered a scene, said anything in his grating voice, or even when I thought about his last movie Nirvana, I was reminded of a tuba player . This movie had a fighting chance until they realized they spent too much on wardrobe and had to pass on John Malcovich.

The meth-addicted director? "Whoa! Director! Stop cutting scenes. No, no, stay on that character, he's not done talking... Damn! What did I just tell you? Okay, we'll watch this guy for a... Damnit, why did you cut to a shot of the... Argh, back on the guy still speaking!!" This movie had the most cuts I have ever witnessed in a movie. It was like being repeatedly kicked in both temples and balls fopr good measure. It helped me to realize that I have epilepsy like that chick in the Adromeda Strain. The film would cut after every single line anyone said. Our theory was that Christoper Lambert could not deliver more than one line without screwing up so they kept each shot one line long. This movie is worth checking out just to see the mind-boggling amount of cuts. Just remember to bring a plastic bag to throw up into.

Charles Bronson

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT - "YOU SUCK!"