A recently discharged marine gets repeatedly struck in the head, blown up, and shot at, but nothing can stop him from getting his wife back from a gang of diamond thieves who have fled into the Louisianna Bayou.

Best Western meets gateway to hell except hell is really boring in this case. Lady! Ask for a new room!

A cop from New Orleans becomes a border patrol agent trying to stop suicide drug mules from crossing the border and rednecks from touching his rabbit.

After many years attempting to find life elsewhere in the universe, one of Earth's outbound messages reaches an inhabited planet. Unfortunately, the inhabitants happen to be extremely hostile robots and thousands of them are dispatched to Earth to exterminate all humans. Luckily, the robots turn out to be extremely inefficient at this task and after 300 years, the remnants of the human race are still mounting a resistance. The remaining Terran forces scrape together a poorly trained group of bad actors, lesbians, and friends of the director and hatch a plan that will save the earth and allow you to watch 40 minutes of terrible computer animation.

In Van Damme's best performance in over a decade he deconstructs the life of a corrupt, heroine addicted cop who hypocritically likes to rat on the corrupt cops around him. Nothing a good ol' coma can't help. When he wakes up he decides to try and mend his relationship with his ex-wife and kick his drug habit.

When employees of a local Arbys get Seagal's order wrong ("I wanted that Beef n' Cheddar WITH bacon!") he goes on a rampage, killing all those involved in his son's murder.